Acha is my father. I lost him 10 years ago, Feb 19th'2012. I dont like using him in "past tense". I still believe that no one has ever loved me more than he has. It was the kind of love, which was unconditional and very pure. Just the kind, I wish I valued more, when he was alive!
The day he passed away, a lot of people came home.
I was with MindTree back then and my entire office cab gang came to my house. I couldnt even talk to them, but I remember seeing them standing outside my gate and silently thanking all my stars for having caring friends.
Manju came and in the days and months that followed was one of my biggest support systems amongst all my friends. When I told him, that I wont have my Acha call me anymore 3 times a day, to check on me and to check if I had eaten, what Manju did will never ever cease to amaze me. He called/messaged me for several years daily to check on me! Where do you even get people like Manju in your lives?
I wasnt the sort of person to get too many phone calls in life back then, there was a running joke within my closest circle of friends that the only person who ever calls her is her Acha, which was also true by the way!
In my most saddest moments, when I have felt alone, my father has telepathically always managed to talk to me. Be it, when I was struggling with office work and working all alone at 9:30pm or when I was going through a heart-break!
Preeti and her family came and even before we realized were the unofficial caretakers and caterers, silently going about their business getting tea/coffee and sending across food.
Pravs, Shila, Shw and Ceej came. I recall DJ also dropping off, though he had to travel to Hyderabad. Rajeev also came. These guys being there, gave me a means to vent out my grief and to be heard.
I had lots of things to say about my father, about the day we spent together before his death, about all the 100s of things I told myself, I should do, for my father, the night before he passed away.
Of course I told myself, maybe I should have done that better or this better, I should have let him talk to my sister, I should have enjoyed him singing in the car, the day before he passed away. I was the luckiest person to get to spend the maximum amount of time with him, just that I didnt realize it then.
We have this family friend and I very clearly recall this conversation, which made a lot of sense: When someone dies, we always try to think maybe if I did this, he or she wouldnt have died. We somehow tend to channel guilt and think we could have changed or controlled the inevitable. I recall my friends being very wise about this and telling me not to think that I could have maybe changed anything.
I recall when my sister came, she was relying on her spiritual connections to take her through the loss.
I do believe all of us have our own ways of dealing with loss, whatever the way is, if it works for you, it does. If you want to wash vessels or you want to chant or you want to cry or you want to talk or you want to stay quiet and disconnected from people, do whatever works for you.
I feel bad that I dont have videos of my father talking and that I cant even hear his voice, maybe I will forget what he sounded like, but I will never forget what he always told us...Dont worry, Im here for you all the time...He told us this, when we told him hypothetically that we might just fail an important exam, before even taking it and he would say....tension nahin lene ka...channa khane ka.
We have the coolest father ever, he is way beyond his times, very forward thinking, extremely broad minded, just by being what he was, he very easily drove me to a lot of achievements in school/college and in life early on.
In the past ten years, I have missed him immensely! I feel bad that he is not there, when he told me, he will always be there for me. I yearn for his presence, his talk, his anything, you know!
There are times, when I have messed up big time and I think oh no, what would Acha think of me...he would be too disappointed and that is just something that had never happened!
I cannot witness anything which involves a loss, without missing him!
I recall Ceej being Ceej dropping in to check on me, multiple times and telling me that it is only his body which has left and that he still stays with you in spirit!
I think what has worked is the wonderful memories he left us with! The wonderful moments and the sheer joy that Dharma Kumar brought to our lives and the pride and honour in being his daughter is what makes me move on kinda. It is a challenge to mask grief with their happy memories, as it also makes you miss them more, but with time, this challenge becomes less difficult and if we feel we did whatever we could to help them, if there was a chance, that also helps the healing process to some extent.
Many years ago, when Google had just started making short animated videos of photos, I recall seeing this animation of my father moving and I got up from my seat in office, trying to actually digest what was happening.
I wish to be the kind of parent that he was to me, to my son! I wish to be cool, loving and the most caring person ever like him. I wish he had known my son was coming along!
My son asked me this question a few days ago: If God were to grant you just one wish, what would it be?
Im sure you know the answer by now:)
